the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
ever found yourself wondering where you'd be now if you'd taken a different turn some point in your life prior to this day?
the fallen saint left at 10:21 am
tomorrow's range day. as i always do the night before i head out to range, i ask for the religious to say a prayer for everyone. prithee, let us hope for no need to be part of headlines that tell of mishaps and misfortune. may the stupid be intelligent for a day, and the intelligent, genius.
the fallen saint left at 6:45 pm soil your shorts, ruggers. scotland beat england 18-12 in the six nations.
the fallen saint left at 10:19 am people in this country aren't friendly. you feel as though it's taboo to go up to someone and say hi and start a conversation. it's only acceptable with caucasians; blame it on the culture, blame it on the race, blame it on any damn thing you can get your hands around.
the fallen saint left at 12:11 am
i need to learn that no one is ever free at the last minute. or seldom are. very rarely.
the fallen saint left at 11:07 am
sometimes in life, it doesn't matter if you believe in a theory or a certain variation of logic - i am not religious, nor am i a firm believer in any philosophy in life - but when you are on a tiresome search for an answer that has yielded nothing after a lengthy period, it feels like anything will suffice.
the fallen saint left at 6:23 pm
it took me a lot of patience and plenty of trial and error to get the alignments just right, but here it is on the second attempt. you may realise that i like to carry over some elements from my previous blog design to the present one, if for nothing but the sake of some continuity.
the fallen saint left at 12:22 am
spent half an hour changing the template of my blog, fiddling with the codes and such, then decided to take a break by watching the chelsea replay. ok, the more perceptive of you will by now realise i did not save the changes i made.
the fallen saint left at 10:30 pm
the weekdays have seemed painfully long and the weekend terribly short.
the fallen saint left at 11:55 pm
the past week in the office i've been living on the edge.
the fallen saint left at 9:51 pm
oh, i nearly forgot.
the fallen saint left at 7:50 pm a day to forget.
the fallen saint left at 7:41 pm
did my heart skip a beat when i saw you yesterday?
the fallen saint left at 9:49 pm
i find it queer how the people i was close to in the past have drifted so far away, whilst those that i hardly talked to back then have suddenly grown so much closer. i wonder if this may be the second stage of a perverse round-about; after every peak is inevitably a descent.
the fallen saint left at 11:50 pm
realised i haven't blogged much about my driving lessons anymore. i suppose the excitement has withered somewhat, maybe because i'm not very good at the little details. so here's just a hasty update on current affairs where four wheels are concerned, for me.
the fallen saint left at 11:02 pm
i'ved sort of lived with this long enough and i feel i can't shut up about it anymore.
the fallen saint left at 11:47 pm
you've come this far. now you have the basic shape, and you know what's where.
the fallen saint left at 8:11 pm
enough of whining about my inner turmoil. i don't know when i began to think like such a wuss. it's disgraceful. metalingus, by alter bridge i've been defeated and brought down on this day i see clearly everything has come to life i'll never long for what might have been on this day i see clearly everything has come to life on this day its so real to me fear will kill me, all i could be
the fallen saint left at 10:17 pm i may not have the best command of english around, but would some of you people do yourselves a favour and at least get your spelling right? check up dictionary.com for starters!
the fallen saint left at 2:02 pm pardon me if i got the details slightly wrong, but i found the following quite amusing.
the fallen saint left at 1:40 pm i've been trying so hard to do so many things this past few months, that i think i have accomplished none of it so far. a bit of a burnout, perhaps. somewhere along the line i lost my focus, and i've not been able to concentrate on the things i want to do- or the things i'm doing.
the fallen saint left at 12:17 am
"No one can make right the wrongs done to you, and no one cares to even if they could."
the fallen saint left at 9:06 pm
the fallen saint left at 1:47 pm
got tagged by loi who is a week off the mark, but never mind. i shall do this for the sake of perking you up on a gloomy wednesday morning =)
the fallen saint left at 9:01 am
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
thoughts of
it never fails to fascinate me, the irreversible concept of life's decisions. things could be vaguely, or vastly different, in different circumstances, and we never really know, do we, until after the dust has settled and the light shines through once again.
but this doesn't change how i live my life. it's just beautiful, how life can implode suddenly, or reveal a eutopia we all wish for. is it unpredictably that makes life worth living?
Sunday, February 26, 2006
of butts and magazines
now that the safety brief is over, it's down to the business end of things..
i'm sure j and y are just as peeved as i am for being automatically omitted from the rundown because of our pes status. i was ready to go for the badge and that neat 200-dollar award, but because we'll be walking down to the 50m mark instead of running, we don't qualify for it anymore. so now i'm just aiming to pass the damn test, and pray they don't ask me to go for another shoot.
i felt a quaint familiarity when i held the rifle in my hands.. like it was made for me. but of course, not for this country, no. never.
omfg
O M F G !!!
crap
the best chance you have in making friends out of nothing is if you're a celebrity, and even then you have to wonder if they really like you or they're just trying to get themselves popular. hangers-on, such.
at times this is a ridiculous society, so holed up in their various sections that one step out the door is as good as globetrotting. bah. you want to be shut out, fine, go bang yourselves.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
in a murderous mood
ok shut up for a minute.
-fast forward time-
i think it's time for me to get back into my little burrow and spend some time with myself again. like sit down with a nice cuppa and read a good book. back to the good old days of peace and quiet.
Friday, February 24, 2006
less means more
all this time i had been searching for why we separated still; i haven't been able to put the lid on the matter, but my friend's few words offered something for me to hold on to. he attributed it to karma, and anyone who knew me while i was in junior college would have known what happened - back then she was settled but i wasn't, now i was settled but she wasn't.
i could always trust him to say something useful. and i hope he's right too, that since it's evened itself out, things will get better from here.
i'm crossing my fingers.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
if you put your nuts to it..
technically it's not a second attempt, since the first one didn't quite get moving along - it was wiped out by the power trip caused by my good old man..
don't flame my tagboard with negative criticisms, i know you're probably just jealous of the aura of the photo..
Monday, February 20, 2006
thanks la dad
then my dad tripped the power.
-insert cartoon image of wil. e. coyote's balls dropping-
Saturday, February 18, 2006
a short weekend
hopefully next week will be better for me.
and i need to get a lot fitter. bigger, too.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
despair
(see, i'm even starting to speak like yoda)
i've been made to do absolutely unimportant oddjobs the past couple of days. why the hell must i call officers in the middle of the bloody working day - or anytime for that matter - and ask them if they fucking play golf? it's a no-brainer of a job, and i am much better used at more challenging tasks.
and here comes the real ranting.
i don't like to launch a diatribe against ONE person, but it seems like she's capable of committing all wrongs in the office. get a bloody phone with free incoming calls, for crying out loud. i hate being the bloody phone operator between you and your boyfriend. and you've no damn sense to start on your work early when you've got the time. it doesn't bother me if you like to rush your work, but when you drag your entire section down into the pits with you, i find it really unacceptable. frankly, if it weren't for karen being around, i wouldn't have given half a damn about helping you out. and no, don't you for one second think i will ever help you on my own accord. why in the devil's goddamnedmotherfuckingbloody hell should i care about your work when you don't even care about it yourself?
and yeah, karen, i wasn't joking when i said the best candidate to be your assistant ic would be an nsf. needn't be me or webster, i think any nsf would do fine.
hell, i never bore a grudge like this before. and i don't want to carry on like this- i won't, because i simply won't care about your work anymore. i'm just waiting to see when you'll lose your job.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
on a side note
happy valentine's.
14022006
had a horrid day with the fatties at the armskote, with my hands greasy and all from liberal amounts of breakfree. it didn't help that i was really hungry and was late for lunch, without a morning break to boot.
huiting says my new hairstyle makes me look like a.. baby. comments from others range from cute to cool.. a bit of a wide spectrum. that usually means it was not a very good decision to go for this haircut. oh well, just have to wait for it to grow out.
i decided i will not let myself like you further. it's confusing, the messages you send or do not. besides, with the way things are now, nothing could improve. i think some of gina's ideals have rubbed off on me.. at least the things i want to do as a single. maybe i should..
Monday, February 13, 2006
self doubt
i think i momentarily lost my breath when my eyes fell on you. it feels like ages since we last met. you looked so happy- i'm glad you are.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
a reverse cycle
i'll find out once i've turned the corner.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
at the wheel
i can handle the speed of the public roads (70 km/h at the moment) with no problems overtaking and changing lanes. in fact the speed is almost like the corresponding parallel to the way i perceive and react to the things around me when i'm on my feet.
but what kills me is the slow bits. suddenly i'm having problems doing vertical parking, i don't bloody know why. i make wide right turns when i exit from the driving centre. my u-turns are slightly jerky. and the worst of the lot: my judgment of the speed of oncoming vehicles' speed is - by my own standards - horrendous. i really have to do something about this. my solution? to perfect rapid smooth moving off, and if i think there's a window for me to scurry off, i will.
damn it, i don't want to have to renew my PDL (my test date is 2 days before my PDL expires).
Thursday, February 09, 2006
yuck
you see, it doesn't matter if you have alessandra ambrosio's looks or jessica alba's body - or if you happen to find yourself at the opposite end of that spectrum - taking too many photos of yourself with the camera lens facing you in your outstretched hand is really quite annoying.
i don't mean to look, because i know i have absolute freedom to not torment myself, but allow me the BOTD this once, and let me say my piece. it's nice if you take photos with friends and strike silly poses, because it makes for a good laugh. it's nice too, if your photos emanate a pleasant abstractness about it, something that is serene and inspiring.
but if you are the sort who is desperate to be different, and by that i mean you indulge in goth and try to be the next spg-esque exhibitionist, try to get a hold of yourself, if you don't mind? most of us are quite generous in giving you the liberty of being what you wish to be, but spare a thought for the same group of people who don't necessarily like to have to face you while you're at it. it's like how i morally accept the existence of gays in this world but i will beat the goddamnfcukingshit out of one who tried to make a pass at me.
bottomline is, you're free to be unique, but kindly do not overstep the boundaries and assert your disturbing eccentricity on others. it will be much appreciated.
written at girls.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
progress
and you've seen your goal. you know it is very, very possible and within reach.
what's lacking is the extra mass and the definition that the current cardio regime will take care of. a body in which you can see the fibres of individual muscle is the ultimate goal. vascularity will take care of itself. the trick is to maintain that permanent pump.
it's time to add more plates to the stack.
driven by desire- powered by insanity.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
bury the hatchet
i'm here to find the answers, not come up with questions or problems. at least, that should be the way for my life. it's time to realign my goals, shed this skin and step out into the light. enough of being bogged down by love-hate problems, because these issues are secondary. this life is short, i don't know when my last day will be, and before that day comes i want to know i've achieved something that i set out to do.it's my time, my moment
dropped to my knees when hope ran out
the time has come to change my ways
a bitter place and a broken dream
and we'll leave it all, leave it all behind
regret won't waste my life again
i won't look back
i'll fight to remain
a bitter place and a broken dream
and we'll leave it all, leave it all behind
everything has come to life
another chance to chase a dream
another chance to feel
chance to feel alive
lift these sorrows
let me breathe, could you set me free
could you set me free
roar
hell, it's appalling how stupid some spelling errors can be. and no, it's not a result of typos because nobody makes the same bloody typo errors in their blogs over days and weeks.
and write like you would speak- some people try to be so profound in their written elucidations that they jack themselves. i don't want to point fingers or shout out names, but it would do everyone a world of good if the wrongs were righted.
as for the ones who think i'm being arrogant and have a plum in my mouth: fuck (yes, i'm being explicit) off.
isn't that funny
during king henry viii's time, the english had meals with a spoon and knife. the more astute of you will now realise, where's the fork? the explanation, according to channel 16, was that during that period england and italy weren't getting along very well, and because the fork was an italian invention..
funny how childish entire nations can sometimes be. like those separated by a causeway..
precarious
driving- today's practice was horrid, there were so many silly mistakes that i'm glad i haven't even registered for the test. i cancelled tomorrow's lesson because i was just so discouraged by how today's went, that i think i need some time to go through all that i learnt again. today's instructor is like a mentor, he is absolutely dedicated to making me pass on my first attempt that every mistake is scrutinised; i don't mind having error pointed out because i want to improve, but to know i'm making so many errors today is quite appalling.
gym- currently i'm teetering between wanting to be massive, and settling for being lean and, well, lean. but looking at photos of ordinary people who are big and ripped proves to me that it's not unachievable, and you don't necessarily need to fork out hundreds on supplements to get that sort of body. discipline isn't an issue for me. having the right facilities is a big problem at the moment, the nearest fully-stocked gym isn't exactly near. i know if i really want it i can just go get it, but bodybuilding isn't my life, i've resolved that issue a while back. it is a routine, not a profession.
pool- not putting in enough table time, and when i do get to the table after a long break it feels as though the cue i'm holding is new and foreign. that's basically back to the drawing board. plus, mentally i'm constantly distracted- by what, i don't know. fighting an invisible enemy is probably the hardest war to wage.
so i guess i need to slow down and rethink the things i want to do this year. my custom cue is probably going to arrive within the month, and i'm definitely not giving up playing pool because i love it for the pressure, the stakes, the importance of one split second for every shot and position, how it teaches to always think several steps ahead. gym is a necessity; i will die before i let anyone call me fat again- or i will kill whoever. it is a touchy issue, trust me. driving.. get the god damned license on the first attempt and be done with it. save the money on extra lessons and extra test dates for some better purpose.
the previous paragraph didn't really resolve anything, did it? i only managed to reshuffle my priorities, but even then they are still vague. in that case, more focus and dedication to every field.
notice how love doesn't seem to fit into my life anymore. i guess i'm calling it quits in this avenue, there's nothing there for me. or so i'm led to believe.
Friday, February 03, 2006
a quote
how true, how true.
blind, you & me
sometimes you wish life was this simple.. that words could say it all, and belief was still a modern concept; yes, i wish.after all this timei never thought we'd be herewhen my love for you was blindbut i couldn't make you see itthat i loved you morethan you will ever knowand part of me diedwhen i let you goi would fall asleeponly in hopes of dreamingthat everythingwould be like it was beforebut nights like thisit seems are slowly fleetingthey disappear as reality is slowly crashing through the floorafter all this whywould you ever want to leavemaybe you could not believe it
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
tagged.. again
five weird or random things about myself
1. i must sit and shit, not squat and poop.
2. i am learning how to appreciate handbags.
3. cosmetics fascinate me, although i'll never use them.
4. i can take hits but not pinches. they don't teach us to endure pinches in rugby. (remember this loi?) -poke
5. i like ribena.